Adoption Etiquette

I found this article the other day and thought I would share it. I strongly believe in all of these do's and dont's.


ADOPTION ETIQUETTE: WHAT TO SAY--AND WHAT NOT TO SAY

"Your girls look so much alike, I bet people think they're really sisters!" I knew my friend meant well, but the remark stung. "They ARE sisters," I snapped.

Today, people are more sensitive about adoption but still may not know the right thing to say. So we've spotlighted five commonly heard faux pas and what adoptive parents wish you would say instead.

1. "You have a cleft chin just like your mother." My adopted daughter, Annie, didn't get her cleft chin from me but from her birth parents. As soon as she's school age, she'll understand that and this kind of compliment may feel false, even unsettling, to her. It's better to point out similarities that aren't genetically determined, like "You laugh just like your mom."

2. "Do you know how lucky you are?" Parents who have adopted often find it disturbing when people treat them as heroes who've "saved" children. "I hate it when people say this to my kids," says Laurie Amelung of Fort Mitchell, KY. Amelung has three biological children and adopted three more because she wanted a bigger family. "I don't want my kids to feel like we took them in as charity cases. I always respond, 'Our children have given us much more than we've given them.'" What should friends and relatives say instead? Simply offer, "You make a great family."

3. "Where is she from?" Strangers ask Cindy Carlson of Love Park, IL that question because her 4-year-old daughter, Alphia, has Asian features. Whenever they do, Alphia immediately feels self-conscious. "She'll say, 'I'm family, I'm family,'" says Carlson. Studies show that children in multiracial families often feel on display. If you're asking because you're interested in adopting, discreetly take the parent aside and ask if you can talk.

4. "Why did the birth mother give up her baby?" It's fine to ask, "Do you know anything about the birth parents?" But be careful about asking probing questions. Many parents consider the birth parents' history deeply private information. In fact, experts often recommend that parents wait until their child is emotionally ready before disclosing potentially upsetting details.

5. When introducing the child to acquaintances or friends, never introduce them as "their adopted children" as this can be damaging to the child and to the adoptive parents and family. Instead, introduce them as "their children" which is what they are. They are their REAL children just as a biological child would be.

Child magazine, November 2002